At lære at tilgive sig selv er ikke altid nemt, og vi har en tendens til at skyde skylden på os selv, at kritisere os selv, at holde os selv ansvarlige for ting, vi har gjort, som vi måske endda ofte også skammer os over. At tilgive andre er væsentligt nemmere. Men når det kommer til at kunne tilgive sig selv – helt ægte og dybfølt, er det nemmere sagt end gjort. Vi opbygger ofte en ”fortælling” og en beskrivelse af os selv, hvor vi har en tendens til at køre i de samme spor med negative og automatiserede tanker, der med stor sandsynlighed ofte også er selvkritiske.
Af Lene Pilegaard
For en del år siden var jeg så fyldt af had, bitterhed og hævnlyst over at have været blevet gjort ondt af et andet menneske. Det fyldte og styrede mit liv, trak mig ned og hæmmede mig. Jeg var overbevist om, at al den uret, der var begået mod mig, den dårlige behandling, jeg havde været udsat for, var årsagen til, at jeg havde det dårligt. Jeg var overbevist om, at skyld og ansvar alene lå hos den, der havde gjort mig uret. I det øjeblik, det gik op for mig, at årsagen til, at jeg led og havde det så dårligt, var, at det var fordi jeg ikke kunne tilgive mig selv for at have ladet mig det byde, og at jeg var meget skamfuld over det. Det gik op for mig, at selvtilgivelse var det, der skulle til. Det var ikke nemt, men det blev en forløsning og en åbning af frihed at kunne tilgive mig selv. Der skulle en dybfølt følelse af ægte tilgivelse til, før jeg kunne se, hvad det var, jeg egentlig havde budt mig selv. Først da blev jeg fri, og jeg kunne så pludselig også tilgive den, der havde forvoldt mig ondt. Jeg havde straffet mig selv dobbelt, og sidenhen har det været nemmere at tilgive både mig selv og andre.
Tiden læger alle sår?
Det siges ofte at tilgivelse kommer af sig selv, efterhånden som tiden går. Men tiden løser ikke tilgivelsesprocessen fuldt ud – vi skubber måske bare den ”mørke side” til side og dybere ned i os selv. Hvis vi fylder det sted i os, der kunne tilgives, med andre ting i stedet for at ”føle” de følelser, der er forbundet med manglende selvtilgivelse, sker der det samme: Det forsvinder ikke, men skubbes til side og ”pakkes” væk.
Tilgivelse er nødvendig for lykke
At tilgive nogen, der har gjort dig ondt, hjælper dig med at komme videre. Tilgivelse, siges det, er en nødvendighed for helbredelse og lykke.
Og alligevel er det muligt, at vi ser på denne idé om tilgivelse på den forkerte måde. Måske skulle vi ikke søge at tilgive, hvad der blev gjort mod os eller tilgive den person, der gjorde det. Måske er det egentlige problem, at vi skal forsøge at tilgive os selv for at lade den personlige smerte forstyrre vores behov for at komme videre med livet. At tilgive dig selv bringer en slags indre fred, der giver dig mulighed for at leve fuldt ud.
Tilgiv dig selv for ikke at vide bedre på det tidspunkt. Tilgiv dig selv for at give din magt fra dig. Tilgiv dig selv for tidligere opførsel. Tilgiv dig selv for de overlevelsesmønstre og træk, du måtte bruge, mens du udholdt traumer. Tilgiv dig selv for at være den, du havde brug for at være.
Audrey Kitching
Mange er af den opfattelse, at det at tilgive nogen, der har gjort uoprettelig skade, er det samme som at tolerere hans eller hendes handlinger. At tilgive en sådan handling er som at sige, at hvad der blev gjort, er acceptabelt, og det er ikke det samme.
Tilgivelse er et så smukt og stærkt ord, men vi tænker ofte på det i sammenhæng med at tilgive andre og ikke os selv. At tilgive dig selv er lige så vigtigt som at tilgive andre.
Ikke alt kan tilgives
Der er en voksende tendens i nutidens nye moralkode, der kan få os til at føle skyld over ting, vi ikke gør. Evnen til at kunne tilgive opfattes af mange som en god menneskelig egenskab, og at du er en bedre person, hvis du kan tilgive, hvad der er gjort forkert mod dig. Det ser ud til, at hvis du ikke er i stand til at tilgive en anden, uanset hvor hårdt du er blevet såret, er der noget galt med dig. Det er ikke tilfældet. Tilgivelse er mangfoldig og kompliceret. Der er ikke noget galt med dig, hvis du vælger ikke at tilgive en ond handling. Tilfælde af ekstrem grusomhed eller voldelige forbrydelser som voldtægt eller misbrug af børn viser, at denne påstand er sand.
“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”
Nelson Mandela
Erkend, hvad der er sket
Det første skridt til at tilgive dig selv er at erkende, hvad der er sket. Uanset hvor hårdt det er, skal du erkende, hvad der er gjort mod dig, sørge over smerten og derefter give slip på den og lade det være i fortiden; at holde fast ved smerten kan få dig til at blive den, der betaler den dyreste pris.
Hvis du konstant dvæler ved tidligere traumer, risikerer du, at hævnfølelser og negative tanker slår rod og vokser i dig. Hvis du tillader negative følelser at fortrænge positive følelser, kan det være, at du bliver opslugt af din egen bitterhed og følelse af manglende retfærdighed. Du bliver herved offer to gange: Først over det, der er sket mod dig og dernæst måske deprimeret, bitter og ude af stand til at nyde nutiden og i stedet sidde fast i fortiden. Handlingen med at tilgive dig selv kan hjælpe dig med at fokusere på de mere positive dele af dit liv og at kunne leve i nuet.
Vær opmærksom på, hvad du føler
Vær opmærksom på, hvad du virkelig føler. Tillad dig selv at observere dine tanker, følelser og reaktion på dem.
Accept
Accept af ansvaret for dine handlinger. Her er du nødt til at stoppe med at undskylde, begrunde eller retfærdiggøre dine handlinger. Accepter dig selv for den person, du er/du var, selv for de fejl, du har lavet, for det har gjort dig, som du er i dag. Accepter også, at hvad der er sket, er sket. Det er i fortiden, og det er sket.
Vær empatisk over for dig selv i modsætning til at bebrejde dig selv. At føle negative følelser vil forhindre dig i at foretage positive ændringer for fremtiden. Hvis du bærer fortidens vægt på dine skuldre, hvordan vil du så være klar til at opbygge en bedre fremtid? Vær empatisk, kærlig og medfølende over for dig selv. Dette er præcis, hvad du har brug for at øve dig på for at ændre dine tanker om dig selv.
Når du først er mere bevidst om, at dine tanker medfører smerte og skyld, er du på vej til en bevidst ændring i din hverdag – den måde du tænker om dig selv på i bestemte situationer, dine reaktioner på det osv. Reel forandring kan opstå, når du bevidst ændrer dine tanker og handlinger.
Sæt pris på dig selv
Ros dig selv, og sæt pris på dig selv for den ændring, du nu har foretaget i dit liv. Nu har du gode chancer for bevidst at undgå at falde tilbage til tidligere mønstre og lave lignende fejl.
At tilgive dig selv giver dig mulighed for at starte et liv uden bånd, der binder dig til fortiden. For at være lykkelig i nuet og fremtiden skal du løsne dig fra dine sår fra fortiden. Nogle gange er du nødt til at minde dig selv om, at du var den, der alene bar dig selv gennem smerten.
Det kræver stort mod
Tilgivelse og helbredelse kræver en bevidst og modig integration af både den lyse og mørke side i os. Vi skal konfrontere os selv med følelser, der gør ondt, hvor vi netop er selvkritiske og måske hader os selv for, hvad vi har gjort tidligere. Vi har måske i årevis vænnet os til, at det var ”sandheden” om os selv: At vi er et dårligt menneske, og det er fuldt berettiget, at vi ikke skal kunne tilgive os selv.
At fejle er menneskeligt – at tilgive er guddommeligt.
Alexander Pope
Øvelse gør mester
Når du vælger at arbejde aktivt med at kunne tilgive dig selv, bliver du automatisk også bedre til at kunne tilgive andre også. Når du holder op med at dømme dig selv så hårdt, bliver du også bedre til ikke altid at fordømme andre. Måske er deres ”historie” meget lig din egen, og derfor kan du sætte dig i deres situation.
Du skal ikke glemme
At kunne tilgive andre og dig selv betyder ikke, at du skal glemme, men at der er tilgivet. Når du tilgiver, slippes ”historien”, som tynger dig ned og det greb, som den har om dig. Og når du bliver bedre til at tilgive andre, bliver du automatisk også bedre til at tilgive dig selv.
At blive bedre til at tilgive andre, starter altid med at kunne tilgive sig selv.
Tilgivelse er en forandringsproces.
Tilgiv dig selv og lev!
Your point of view caught my eye and was very interesting. Thanks. I have a question for you.
We’re a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community.
Your website offered us with valuable information to work on. You’ve done a formidable job and our entire community will
be thankful to you.
Your style is unique in comparison to other folks I have read stuff from.
I appreciate you for posting when you’ve got the opportunity, Guess I will just
book mark this page.
Hello! I know this is somewhat off topic but I was wondering which blog platform are you using for this
website? I’m getting sick and tired of WordPress because I’ve had issues with hackers
and I’m looking at options for another platform. I would be awesome
if you could point me in the direction of a good
platform.
Hi, after reading this remarkable paragraph i am
as well cheerful to share my experience here with friends.
I am extremely impressed with your writing skills and
also with the format in your blog. Is that this a
paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Either way stay up
the nice quality writing, it is uncommon to look a great blog like this one these days..
Awesome article.
Thank you for every other excellent article.
Where else may anyone get that kind of information in such a perfect method
of writing? I’ve a presentation next week, and I am at the search for such info.
Excellent post however I was wanting to know if you could write a litte more on this subject?
I’d be very thankful if you could elaborate a little bit more.
Appreciate it!
Hi to all, because I am genuinely eager of reading this web
site’s post to be updated regularly. It includes nice stuff.
It is appropriate time to make some plans for the future
and it is time to be happy. I have read this post
and if I could I wish to suggest you few interesting things or suggestions.
Maybe you could write next articles referring to this article.
I desire to read more things about it!
Hi my loved one! I wish to say that this article is awesome, great written and come with approximately all
vital infos. I would like to peer more posts like this
.
Since the admin of this site is working, no doubt very soon it will be famous, due to
its feature contents.
Whoa! This blog looks exactly like my old one! It’s
on a completely different topic but it has pretty much the
same page layout and design. Superb choice of colors!
Do you mind if I quote a couple of your posts as
long as I provide credit and sources back to your blog? My blog site is in the exact same area of interest as yours and my users would
certainly benefit from a lot of the information you provide here.
Please let me know if this ok with you. Cheers!
Hello, this weekend is fastidious in favor of me, since this point in time i am reading this enormous
informative article here at my home.
Good information. Lucky me I found your blog by accident (stumbleupon).
I have saved as a favorite for later!
Hi, Neat post. There is an issue with your site in web explorer,
would check this? IE nonetheless is the marketplace chief and a
big portion of other people will pass over your fantastic writing due to this problem.
Cool blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere?
A theme like yours with a few simple tweeks would really make my blog stand out.
Please let me know where you got your design. Kudos
Wonderful work! This is the kind of info that are meant to be shared around the internet.
Shame on the search engines for not positioning this post upper!
Come on over and visit my website . Thanks =)
Pretty! This was an extremely wonderful article. Thanks for
providing this information.
What a information of un-ambiguity and preserveness of
valuable know-how regarding unpredicted feelings.
Having read this I believed it was really informative.
I appreciate you spending some time and effort to put this article together.
I once again find myself spending a significant amount of time both reading and posting comments.
But so what, it was still worthwhile!
Hey there would you mind letting me know which web host you’re utilizing?
I’ve loaded your blog in 3 different browsers and I must say this blog loads
a lot quicker then most. Can you suggest a good hosting provider
at a honest price? Thank you, I appreciate it!
Hi it’s me, I am also visiting this web page
regularly, this web site is really good and the users are in fact sharing fastidious thoughts.
When some one searches for his vital thing, thus he/she desires to
be available that in detail, therefore that thing is maintained over here.
Excellent items from you, man. I have have in mind your stuff previous to
and you’re simply too wonderful. I really like
what you’ve obtained here, really like what you’re saying and the best way through which you
are saying it. You are making it enjoyable and you continue to care for
to keep it sensible. I cant wait to learn far more from
you. That is actually a terrific web site.
Woah! I’m really digging the template/theme of this
blog. It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s hard to get that “perfect balance” between user friendliness and
visual appearance. I must say that you’ve done a excellent
job with this. In addition, the blog loads very quick for me on Chrome.
Superb Blog!
Having read this I thought it was rather informative.
I appreciate you taking the time and effort to put this content together.
I once again find myself personally spending way too
much time both reading and posting comments. But so what, it was
still worth it!
Thanks very nice blog!
Hey! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new apple iphone!
Just wanted to say I love reading through your blog
and look forward to all your posts! Keep up the outstanding work!
Since the admin of this website is working, no question very shortly it will be renowned, due to its feature
contents.
Hello friends, its wonderful post regarding educationand completely defined, keep it up all the
time.
If you would like to increase your know-how just keep visiting this web page and be updated with the latest news
update posted here.
Awesome article.
I visited various blogs however the audio feature for audio songs current at this site is really marvelous.
Thanks in favor of sharing such a pleasant idea, article is nice, thats why i
have read it completely
Wow, wonderful blog layout! How long have you been blogging for?
you make blogging look easy. The overall look of your web
site is magnificent, let alone the content!
Thanks for every other great article. Where else may anyone get that
type of info in such a perfect means of writing? I’ve a presentation next week, and I
am at the look for such information.
If you are going for best contents like myself, only
pay a quick visit this site all the time because it presents feature contents, thanks
Hello there! I could have sworn I’ve been to
this web site before but after browsing through some of the articles I realized it’s
new to me. Anyhow, I’m certainly happy I came across it and I’ll be bookmarking it and checking
back frequently!
Hi, just wanted to say, I loved this blog post.
It was practical. Keep on posting!
I read this piece of writing fully about the
comparison of latest and preceding technologies, it’s amazing article.
Oh my goodness! Awesome article dude! Thank you so
much, However I am going through troubles with your RSS.
I don’t know why I cannot subscribe to it. Is there anyone else getting the same
RSS issues? Anybody who knows the answer will you kindly respond?
Thanks!!
Hello Dear, are you in fact visiting this website regularly, if so after that
you will without doubt obtain good know-how.
Hi, I think your blog might be having browser compatibility issues.
When I look at your blog in Firefox, it looks fine but
when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping.
I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Other then that, terrific blog!
Paragraph writing is also a excitement, if you know afterward you can write otherwise it is difficult to write.
I’m not sure where you’re getting your info, but great topic.
I needs to spend some time learning more or understanding more.
Thanks for magnificent info I was looking for this
info for my mission.
Hi, I wish for to subscribe for this website to
obtain newest updates, thus where can i do it please help out.
Great article.
Hi, I do think this is a great blog. I stumbledupon it ;)
I am going to return once again since i have book-marked it.
Money and freedom is the best way to change, may
you be rich and continue to guide other people.
It’s in point of fact a nice and useful piece of info.
I am satisfied that you just shared this useful information with us.
Please stay us up to date like this. Thanks for sharing.
Excellent article. I definitely appreciate this site.
Keep it up!