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Find ind til dine følelser

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Når du arbejder kognitivt med dine tanker, har du brug for at kunne genkende og identificere din primære følelse, der opstår i forbindelse med automatiserede – ofte negative udsagn – du har om dig selv, eller ”sandheder” om dig selv, dine egne og andres handlinger, reaktioner og motiver. Det kan være nemmere sagt end gjort, for hvordan fungerer vores følelser, og hvad er en primær følelse?

 

Af Lene Pilegaard
Artiklen blev bragt i magasinet sund-forskning – februar/marts 2019

 

Se artiklen fra december 2018: “Sæt gang i hjernens medicinskab”. Du finder den på www.sund-forskning.dk

 

Følelser er information. Følelser er logiske, da vi kan lære at læse informationen i dem og ”knække” logikken bag vores egne og andres følelsesmæssige reaktioner. Vi kan ikke tage gode, såkaldte rationelle beslutninger uden at aflæse informationen, der er gemt i vores følelser.

 

Følelser har en tidsdimension
Tyngden i en følelse kan ligge både i fortid, nutid og fremtid. Ligger tyngden i fortiden, handler din følelsesmæssige reaktion om noget, der er sket tidligere i dit liv, og som aktiveres af en oplevelse i nutiden. Ligger tyngden omvendt i fremtiden, kan din følelsesmæssige reaktion springe ud af noget, du bekymrer dig for eller er stresset over skal ske de kommende dage. Begge dele kan medføre en uhensigtsmæssig reaktion. Ligger tyngden i nutiden, stemmer din følelsesmæssige reaktion overens med den konkrete oplevelse.

 

Følelse er hukommelse
Vores erfaringer er altid koblet sammen med vores følelser. Det betyder, at vi lagrer vores minder relateret til følelser. Når vi skal fortælle om vores liv, vil den stemning, vi er i, præge fortællingen.

 

Følelser er knyttet til værdier, familie og kultur
Værdier formidlet i familien, kulturen samt i tro og livssyn kan påvirke vores følelser.

 

Følelser har specifikke ansigtsudtryk og fysiologi
Forskning har vist, at den måde, hvorpå vi udtrykker og reagerer kropsligt på følelser, er universel.

 

Følelser kan undertrykkes
Når vi oplever smerte, skuffelse, afvisning eller traumatiske hændelser, kan følelser fortrænges som en del af en naturlig smertelindringsstrategi. Vi gør os selv immune. Vi mister kontakten til dem og evnen til at aflæse informationerne i dem.

 

Følelser kan reguleres
Er vi bevidste om vores følelser, kan de hjælpe os til at finjustere vores opførsel og reaktioner. Kan vi aflæse informationerne i vore egne og andres følelser, kan vi bedre navigere socialt.

 

Følelser er medfødte
Alle mennesker er født med en række universelle grundfølelser.

 

 

DE 10 GRUNDFØLELSER:

Interesse
Er en følelse, der fører opmærksomheden mod et objekt, en hændelse eller en proces. Oftest forklares interesse også som nysgerrighed.

 

Glæde
Kan opleves som en boblende champagnefølelse og en varme i brystet og fra top til tå.

 

Misundelse/jalousi
Vi kan alle blive misundelige. Vi kan eksempelvis blive misundelige, hvis andre får en opmærksomhed, som vi selv længtes efter. Misundelse betragtes ofte som en mildere form for jalousi.

 

Hengivenhed/nærhed/ømhed
God, varm følelse, som er vigtig for tilknytning. Den kan hæmmes, hvis vi gentagne gange har dårlige erfaringer med relationer. Nogle associerer sorg med denne følelse, andre glæde.

 

Afsky/foragt
Foragt og afsky er nært beslægtede følelser. Foragt er en intens følelse af negativ modvilje og væmmelse. Den kan ligne had og indebærer følelsen af overlegenhed eller nedladenhed.

 

 

SMERTEFULDE GRUNDFØLELSER

Sorg/tristhed
En tung følelse, der kan fortælle os noget om, hvad der er vigtigt for os, det vi længes efter og savner. Gråd er en vigtig udtryksform, som kan lindre tristheden. Sorg opstår som reaktion på tab, eller når vi er ved at miste noget af betydning for os. Vi oplever sorg, når vi mister en, vi holder af, et forhold til et andet menneske ændrer sig, når vi mister håb, drømme osv.

 

Irritation/vrede
Vrede kan udløses af uretfærdighed, fysisk kamp, når man føler sig truet eller oplever konflikt, angst og ydmygelse. Vi føler vrede, når vigtige værdier er truet. Det kan for eksempel være, når vi hindres i at forfølge vores behov, vores personlige grænser overskrides. Vi mister magt, anseelse eller værdighed.

 

Angst og frygt
At være bange og ængstelig er naturligt om end ubehageligt. Det kan opleves som alt fra en lettere uro til lammelse og panik. Alt fra hjertebanken til svedige håndflader. Frygtens funktion er at beskytte os mod fare. Derfor bliver vi bange, når vi oplever fare eller forudser fare.

 

Skam
Skam udløses, når egne eller andres grænser bliver overskredet. Skammen siger: ”Jeg er forkert”. Den aktiveres, når vi kommer til kort og føler os utilstrækkelige. Man kan beskrive skammen, som ”de andres øjne indeni mig”, som vurderer mig udelukkende negativt.” Skam skal sikre, at vi ikke bliver udstødt af sociale sammenhænge, fordi skam hænger sammen med, at vi har forbrudt os imod samfundets eller gruppens værdier. Vi føler typisk skam, når vi gør noget, som vi ved, andre synes er dumt eller forkert. Når vi ikke gør tingene så godt, som vi tror, andre forventer, eller når vi bliver til grin, kritiseret eller skældt ud.

 

Skyld
Udløses ved brud på normer eller regler. Den ”siger”, at jeg har gjort, tænkt eller følt noget forkert. Mange andre faktorer end reel skyld kan udløse skyldfølelse. Vi får skyldfølelse, når vi føler os som årsag til andres lidelse eller ulykke. Behovet i skyld er at genoprette skaden, at blive tilgivet og få genoprettet tilliden til den, man føler, at man har skadet.

 

 

Primære og sekundære følelser
Inden for psykologien taler man om primære og sekundære følelser. En primær følelse er den umiddelbare følelse, som aktiveres i en konkret situation – altså den følelse, der kommer først, og som passer til den situation, der udløste den. Formålet med den primære følelse er at hjælpe os med at handle på en måde, der er gavnlig for os. Hvis vi for eksempel oplever, at nogen truer med at skade vores børn, så vil vrede hjælpe os til at beskytte dem.

Men i andre tilfælde viser vi ikke vores primære følelse og har derfor svært ved at handle hensigtsmæssigt, fordi vi ikke bruger den information, som følelsen giver os.

Forestil dig, at du har mistet dit job, fordi firmaet må lukke. Du er ked af det, men det viser du ikke. I stedet brokker du dig igennem lang tid til alle, du møder, fordi du ikke bryder dig om at mærke, at du er ked af det. Vreden er her en sekundær følelse, der ikke direkte har noget at gøre med dit tab. Den er en reaktion på den første følelse og hindrer sorgen i at komme til udtryk. Hvis vi ikke tillader os at sørge over det, vi har mistet, kan det komme til at fylde og i nogle tilfælde udvikle sig til meningsløshed og depression.

Når vi giver udtryk for en sekundær følelse i stedet for det, vi umiddelbart føler, kan det desuden opleves meget forvirrende eller frustrerende. Det kan for eksempel være dybt frustrerende, hvis du er vred på et andet menneske, men i stedet begynder at græde og derfor bliver misforstået.

Når vi viser sorg ved at græde, opfatter andre det nemlig, som at vi har behov for trøst og nærhed, hvor den primære underliggende vrede i virkeligheden fortæller os, at vi har behov for afstand og grænser i den aktuelle situation. Og så får vi ikke det, som vi har behov for, fordi vi sender forkerte signaler.

 

At bruge følelser til at opnå noget
Ofte kommer sekundære følelser til at fylde så meget, fordi vi har svært ved at acceptere vores følelser og derfor ubevidst fortrænger dem. Der er flere årsager til, at vi ikke kun giver udtryk for vores primære følelser, der passer til situationen.

Det kan eksempelvis være svært i sociale sammenhænge, hvor vi kan være nødt til at justere vores behov efter omverdenens krav, eller hvor der ikke er plads eller tid til, at vi kan give udtryk for det, vi føler nu og her. Det kan for eksempel opleves som flovt at give sig til at græde i et selskab, hvor en kommer med en sårende bemærkning. Så har man det bedre med at lade, som om man er glad og grine.

Måden, vi viser vores følelser på, hænger sammen med vores personlighed, og hvordan vi har lært at forholde os til følelser gennem livet. Vores erfaringer har derfor stor betydning. Har vi for eksempel som børn lært, at vi ikke blev accepteret, når vi viste vrede, kan vi også have svært ved det som voksne og for eksempel vise tristhed i stedet.

 

 

FIND IND TIL DIN PRIMÆRE FØLELSE

Der kan være mange grunde til, at vi ikke viser den første følelse, der dukker op i en given situation. Hvilke følelser, vi viser, hænger ikke kun sammen med den kontekst, vi befinder os i, men især med vores tidligere erfaringer med følelser. Her er blot nogle få eksempler på, hvilke følelser der kan dække over hinanden:

 

Vrede kan dække over frygt
Hvis du skælder din lille søn ud, fordi han løber over en befærdet vej efter sin bold, kan vreden dække over en frygt for, at han skulle blive kørt ned, så du ville miste ham. Du vil ikke vise ham din frygt, men skælder i stedet ud.

 

Vrede kan dække over tristhed
At miste sit job kan være meget smertefyldt, men hvis du for eksempel er mand og har lært, at det at vise tristhed er umaskulint, fordi det er det samme som at være svag, så giver du dig hellere til at fortælle din partner om alle fejlene ved arbejdspladsen i et vredt tonefald.

 

Tristhed kan dække over vrede
Giver du dig til at græde, selvom du har lyst til at skælde ud, når din kollega opfører sig dårligt over for dig? Måske har du som barn lært, at du ikke er elskelig, når du viser din vrede. Mange kvinder er opdraget med, at det ikke er klædeligt, når piger udtrykker vrede.

 

Glæde kan dække over tristhed
Ler du med, når andre overskrider dine grænser og gør sig muntre på din bekostning? Måske har du tidligere oplevet, at andre drillede dig endnu mere, når du viste, at deres opførsel gjorde dig ked af det.

 

Vi kan også have lært at bruge vores følelser til at opnå noget. Hvis vi for eksempel som børn har erfaret, at vores forældre viste os overdreven opmærksomhed, når vi græd, kan vi have lært os at bruge gråden til at opnå det, vi ønsker.

At bruge følelser som et instrument til at fremkalde en bestemt respons behøver dog ikke at handle om, at vi manipulerer bevidst med vores omgivelser, for ofte er det så indgroet hos os, at vi ikke er bevidste om, at vi gør det.

 

Vov at turde mærke alle dine følelser

Hvis vi skal bruge den information, der ligger i vores følelser, til vores eget bedste, er vi nødt til at lytte til os selv. Første skridt er derfor at blive bevidst om, hvad vi føler. Og det kan kræve lidt øvelse, hvis ikke du er vant til det. Da følelser og krop er tæt forbundne, kan det være hjælpsomt at sætte sig ned et uforstyrret sted flere gange om dagen og give kroppen opmærksomhed. Læg mærke til, hvordan du har det i kroppen. Spørg også dig selv, hvad du føler lige nu. Måske får du ikke et svar, men vær tålmodig, og bliv ved med at have fokus på din krop flere gange hver dag. At turde mærke dine kropsfornemmelser baner nemlig vejen for at finde ud af, hvad du dybest set føler. Hvis du vil arbejde med at finde ind til din primære følelse, så kan du undersøge, om den følelse, du har udtrykt nu, også handler om situationen lige nu, eller om den handler om noget helt andet. Dukker følelsen op, fordi du nu står i en situation, der minder om en tidligere situation og automatisk udløser samme følelse? Det kræver, at vi giver os tid til at mærke efter. Det kræver også, at vi er indstillet på at øve os i at acceptere alle vores følelser, hvor svært det end måtte være.

 

Om Lene Pilegaard:
Lene Pilegaard er til daglig næstformand i patientforeningen Bækkensmerter.dk, hvor hun også er på foreningens telefonrådgivningslinje. Hun har selv lidt af kroniske smerter igennem en længere årrække, der skyldtes fald på trappe, hvor hun kom til skade med sit bækken. Det var nysgerrigheden efter at forstå smertemekanismen og jagten på forklaringer til smertesensitivitet, der bragte hende til at lede efter og forstå sammenhængen mellem krop og sind.

 

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