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NEJ
Det er et af de mindste og korteste ord i det danske sprog, men et af de sværeste at sige
Vi har alle været der. Det er så svært at få sagt nej, og mange gange siger vi ja alt for hurtigt uden at overveje konsekvenser, og måske siger vi ja til at gøre noget, vi i virkeligheden slet ikke har lyst til, og som vi efterfølgende både fortryder, og som ender med at blive til en stor belastning for os.
Af Lene Pilegaard
Lær, hvordan du kan blive bedre til at sige det lille ord: NEJ
For at få en bedre forståelse af, hvorfor det kan være så svært at sige nej, skal vi se på de følelser, der ofte er underliggende forbundet med at sige nej til noget, man måske føler sig presset eller forpligtet til. At have svært ved at sige nej er tæt forbundet med følelserne af skyld og skam.
Skam og skyld
Vi føler skam, når vi overtræder de sociale normer, vi tror på. Skam får os til at rette vores fokus indad og se os selv i et negativt lys.
Således opstår skam, når ens ”defekter” udstilles for andre og er resultatet af den negative evaluering (hvad enten den er reel eller forestillet) af andre. Skyld, derimod, kommer fra ens egen negative vurdering af sig selv, fx når man handler i strid med ens værdier eller ide om sig selv.
Der er blevet spekuleret i, at mennesker føler skam, fordi det gav vores tidlige forfædre en slags evolutionær fordel. Fx kan det potentielt fremme en gruppes trivsel ved at tilskynde enkeltpersoner til at overholde sociale konventioner og arbejde for at blive accepteret og inkluderet i gruppen.
Skyld er en universel følelse, der fremmer socialt adaptiv adfærd. Folk taler ofte om skam og skyld, som om de var de samme, men det er de ikke. Som skam opstår skyldfølelse, når vi overtræder moralske, etiske eller religiøse normer og kritiserer os selv for det. Forskellen er, at når vi føler skam, ser vi os selv i et negativt lys (“jeg gjorde noget forfærdeligt!”. Hvorimod vi, når vi føler skyld, ser en bestemt handling negativt (“jeg gjorde noget forfærdeligt!”). Vi føler os skyldige, fordi vores handlinger påvirkede en anden, og vi føler os ansvarlige.
Føl ikke skyld over at sige nej
Lad os starte med, hvorfor du ikke bør føle skyld over at sige nej. For det første er skyld en følelse, der er forbeholdt, når du gør noget forkert. Hvis du sårer nogen, er det passende at føle skyld. Det at sige nej kan måske skabe lidt ekstra arbejde for den person, du afviser, fordi de nu skal spørge en anden eller på anden måde gentænke en løsning, men det er jo ikke sårende.
Helt konkret, prøv at forestille dig et rutediagram: At sige nej sender bare nogen i en anden retning. Folk er for det meste ret skrappe og kreative til at finde andre løsninger.
Du er ingen Obi Wan Kenobi – Det er sjældent rigtigt, at du virkelig er nogens eneste håb. Der er næsten altid andre muligheder for dem, der spørger efter din hjælp.
At føle skyld på forkert grundlag
Vi føler os ofte skyldige, fordi vi ikke kun tror, at vi skader den anden person, men vi forventer en form for negativ konsekvens, hvis vi siger nej. Vi tænker måske: “Hun kommer til at hade mig”, “Han bliver sur” eller Jeg bliver fyret.” Vores hjerner springer lynhurtigt til det værst tænkelige scenario. Spørg dig selv i stedet, hvad er et mere sandsynligt scenario? Måske bliver den, der spørger efter din hjælp, et øjeblik skuffet, men forstår og får hjælp andre steder.
Eller prøv at vende situationen om på denne måde: Hvad sker der, når nogen siger nej til dig? Bliver du afsindigt rasende, vred og utilgivelig? Så hvorfor dobbeltmoral? Forvent at andre også reagerer, som du selv gør – det vil sige rimeligt og fair. Måske bliver den, der spørger efter din hjælp, i første omgang skuffet og ked af det, men der er flere gode måder at sige nej på:
Syv måder at sige nej!
- Tilbyd et alternativ. Det er den nemmeste måde at sige nej på. Afvis anmodningen, men giv en form for ”trøstepræmie”. Bare sørg for, at du ikke udelukkende tilbyder et alternativ ud fra skyld – dit mål er faktisk at være behjælpelig for den, der spørger efter din hjælp – ikke bare at få dig selv til at føle dig mindre skyldig. Din forespørger vil ikke engang gå glip af: “Jeg er så ked af det.”.For eksempel: “Sikke en dejlig idé at lave kager til vejfesten! Jeg må indrømme, at jeg bare ikke er kvinden til det job. Men jeg kan lave en virkelig god sangria.”. Tah-dah! Ingen undskyldninger nødvendige.
- Vis og føl empati, når du siger nej. At vise, at du virkelig har hørt og forstået personens anmodning, kan få dem til at føle sig godt tilpas, selvom du i sidste ende ikke kan påtage dig opgaven. Bekræft, at de arbejder hårdt, eller at de har at gøre med en udfordrende opgave. For eksempel: “Du arbejder så hårdt på at få vejfesten til at blive til en succes – jeg ville ønske, jeg kunne tage organiseringen af festen ud af dine hænder, men jeg kan bare ikke lige nu.”
- Forklar dit nej med noget helt konkret og objektivt. Fx at du har virkelig travlt med andre vigtige ting, dit arbejde, andre opgaver, forpligtelser eller en anden ekstern, objektiv omstændighed, der er uden for din kontrol. Og undgå at falde i fælden: “Du har travlt i denne uge? Så hvad med næste uge? ” ved at tilføje: “Jeg giver dig besked, hvis noget ændrer sig.”
- Forklar dit nej ud fra noget subjektivt. På samme måde som at bebrejde en ydre omstændighed kan du forklare dit nej med noget internt og individuelt. Fx din smag, dine evner, din stil – din generthed – etc.
- Gør det til en kompliment. Sig nej til anmodningen, men gør det til en kompliment for anmoderen. “Mange tak, fordi du tænker på mig! Det er så sødt af dig.” Eller: “Jeg værdsætter muligheden – det var sødt af dig at spørge mig først.”
- Hold fast i dine våben. Nogle mennesker vil presse dig og spørge mere end én gang eller vil plage dig for at forsøge at overtale dig. Bare giv det samme svar igen og igen, når de spørger igen og igen. Du behøver ikke at være kold og ufølsom – du kan føle med dem og give dem et kram, men lad ikke dit svar gå fra “nej” til “måske” til “godt, ok bare en gang til “. Bare hold dig til dit originale “nej”.
- Sig nej uden at undskylde. Dette er den endelige eksamen fra ”Flinkeskolen”. Det kan virke som en fin grænse mellem ikke at undskylde og være uhøflig, men et “nej”-svar kan være imødekommende og høfligt.
Et sidste tip: Gør dit “nej” hurtigt og klart. Tøv ikke, og sig, at du i stedet vil tænke over det, sige ”måske” eller sige ”ja” og derefter fortryde. Det kan føles forkert at sige “nej”, men på sigt er et klart, rettidigt svar mere høfligt og i sidste ende til fordel og det bedste for den, der spørger efter hjælp.
Vi skal ikke holde op med at sige ja
Nogle gange siger vi selvfølgelig ja. De fleste af os er rigtigt glade for at kunne hjælpe andre – det er sjovt, givende eller win-win. Men nogle gange føler vi os alt andet end henrykte. Vi bliver i dårligt humør, bliver kede af det, forpligtede, vrede, stressede eller pressede på en ubehagelig måde. Og det er næsten garanteret, at vi kommer til at føle skyld, hvis vi siger nej til nogen, der beder om vores hjælp.
Hvis du har været vant til at tro, at du kan alt (selvom det har haft en høj pris), kan det koste en pris at begynde at sige “nej”. Det er svært for os selv og måske også lige så svært for dem, der er vant til, at vi er supermor, blæksprutte eller jeg kan altid regne med dig-ven at skulle se os selv som den, der en gang imellem siger nej. Men når vi holder op med at forsøge at gøre det hele, får vi mærkeligt nok tid, energi og bedst af alt respekt.
Et af de første ord, du lærte at sige, var NEJ.
Så lærte du gennem Flinkeskolen, at det ord ikke var OK.
Derfor skal det ord genlæres, for at du kan respektere dig selv og dine behov
Hvis du ikke kan sige ordentlig nej, kan du heller ikke sige ordentlig ja.
(Fritz Pearls)
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